Are There Any Trans People (Particularly Boys) That Can Relate With the Reluctance I'm Feeling?
I’m only a young teenager; nobody takes young people seriously nowadays to the point of sheer bigotry and will fail to answer my questions by being preoccupied with such, so I won’t tell you my actual age or status.
I’m biologically female, as well as a lesbian, but I’ve always wished to be a male; even when I was smaller, I’d reject the concept of being feminine and would always complain to my disappointed family how I wanted to be a boy. I loathe my breasts, the gender roles, and the limitations that accompany my gender. So, I guess you could say I’m a transboy. A lot of thought and research throughout my entire life has been conducted to come across what I truly feel I am; a boy. I feel that men can be so free from burden, advantageous…it’s simply a man’s world, in my eyes, and I’ve always wanted to be a part of it. I always feel like I should hang my head for being a girl, as if I’m missing out on a joke I’ll NEVER be in on.
Small problem here; FTM surgery is statistically less successful and satisfying than MTF’s, for obvious reasons. It’s harder, more expensive, and in my eyes…well…I don’t want to be offensive. But, I’ll just say my reactions to most of the before and after pictures I’ve seen, either metoidio or phallo, was "Hell, no."
I wish I were BORN a male; I feel as though getting surgery will make me feel fake and artificial. I just CAN’T do it. Besides, my family would LITERALLY hurt me, and the rest who wouldn’t try to kill me would shun me. I’m already a lesbian to them as it is, and it’s hard.
I have no idea what to do with myself.
Whenever I’m sexually aroused, I start crying because I have nothing to work with, and I never will.
Procedures available for FtM genitalia scare and disgust me, and I’ll never be comfortable becoming one. I won’t be comfortable in my own skin either way!
Should I become a female eunuch (take all of my parts away) and take hormone neutralizers to settle myself down and live as a transitioned asexual andro? I dunno, I made that up; I’m sure it can be pulled off in some way, given what variants other people do.
I’M SORRY IF I’M IGNORANT AND DISRESPECTFUL, and ungrateful to what the doctors have given us. I’m SORRY if I used a wrong term somewhere, and I’m SORRY if I’ve insulted your surgery. I really don’t need to be yelled at by know-it-alls who’ll put me down.
Does anybody feel the same I do about the surgery?
Is there anyone else who is trans but simply refuses to go through it because it seems to not look/feel right?
Is this why many trans people commit suicide besides for reasons of acceptance?
Given this and many other problems, I think I should just kill myself.
I know how offensive I am by saying I don’t appreciate our doctors and respect others who’ve done the 85,000-buck surgery. I mean, it takes guts and money and time and patience, and self-acceptance.
But those are things I don’t have, and I’m not sure I even want them.
hi sweetie. i am a transwoman….but i am trans and i can relate very closely to what you are saying. i was young in the age before ftm surgery was such an accomplished art. i too struggled with the notion that my best hope would be to end up some disfigured freak….that i’d never be able to present myself as i was, a woman.
as far as being taken seriously….in my life that’s when the real problems began. at first…it was kind of cute to my family…a toddler running around talking about being a girl. but when they began to see that it was something more than just some childhood fantasy-game…that’s when they got scared and i got beat. families have the greatest investment in us and they very often do not cotton to the idea of us taking off on our own journeys at all. thinking for ourselves is nothing short of family sedition in many cases…a rejection of all they have created. sometimes it takes nothing short of divine grace to change that dynamic.
when you are being truthful and forthright only the very weak minded can take offense. your feelings are yours, they are your truth…you own them. i sometimes even get a little angry at medical science for not doing enough to help my trans-brothers enjoy the life they have given us. yes, i said "trans-brothers", transsexual is not a bad word, it’s what we are and personally i hope i never get to the point where i think i am anything different…it is because i am trans that i can relate to you right now….that is a gift and a blessing.
"it takes guts and money and time and patience, and self-acceptance." i disagree. these are things you have in abundance….you just have not realized them yet. it takes guts to expose yourself like you just did in this post. you clearly have accepted your self, you just haven’t experienced any validation from without. you know who you are, and clearly you respect yourself…you just haven’t won the respect of others yet. that takes time and patience. you are young…so time is definitely in your favor….you can cut your time short….but that would be you, not God. can you find a little patience?
i know what you mean by hating sexual arousal. i was horrified by it for most of my life. i disgusted myself. it felt like my body was rubbing it in…laughing at me, not only making me look like a man, but making it feel like a man too. what a horrible trick to play on me. it was getting in my face…wagging a finger and shouting "you’re a boy…you’re a boy…you’re a boy!!!!!" i cried and wallowed in my shame and self-loathing. that’s a part of being trans. that’s something we all share…it’s part of our makeup, part of what makes us who we are. it’s a huge part of our individual identities, not to be expunged, forgotten or tossed away. it is to be lived and as a part of our whole, to be celebrated…yes, celebrated.
you are growing into what you will become. there will be many lessons along the way, some of them quite painful. but they are lessons to learn…if you do have the courage, lessons to help bring you towards the private template that is your life among people. what you have, believe me, thousands wish for. your understanding of yourself and your questioning of how to react, or to pro-act. you are serious, you are quite mature and you have the intelligence and strength of character that has come from the lessons you have already learned. you will grow more and you will get stronger and become more determined to make yourself better. you will do all these things, for you…and by virtue of your inquisitive nature, character and courage, you are destined to lead.
make yourself a good leader, make yourself worthy of the term, "teacher".
much love and hope. pj
I know a number of F2M who started exactly where you are but they have slowly changed to acceptance of the limitations of the surgery as better than nothing. As someone who has spent 30 years suicidally depressed I can tell you that suicide is not worth it. I have attempted it 6 times and died twice, but I always make it back.
Better to work with what you can and accept your life and be all the man you can be. My family gave up on me for decades and only this week came around to a minor acceptance. You never know what can happen.
Please do not think I am yelling at you or putting you down. It is possible to go part way and not get the final bottom surgery and go ahead that way and still be a fine man in society.
apparently this mtf agrees with you
http://www.henrymakow.com/transvestite_regrets_sex_chang.html
The trouble with even the most lucid self-absorption is that it makes it impossible to think about larger moral and ethical issues, such as: What kind of person do you want to be? Is there a true religion? What obligation do you have to educate yourself? How can you be a force for good in the world? What are your real talents and inclinations? And so, with your attention focused on a very small, and rather insignificant portion of just yourself, it is natural to feel helplessly constrained, with no possible freedom of choice–and suicide seems the only option. Having got to that existential jumping-off point, there’s really nothing for you to do; you might as well just shelve the "issue" for a while: Take the dog for a walk, make a pot of tea, listen to some music, read a book that you’ve always been intending to read, give your mom a hand with dinner….Most "issues" get more manageable–even resolve themselves–after a little vacation from them.
I am in a relationship with a trans guy, and he is just about to start testosterone. But when it comes to surgery all the pictures we have seen have really scared us a lot. When it comes to chest surgery we are pretty confident in what can be achieved, and that is my boyfriends biggest goal ( to get his boobs off), but when it comes to bottom surgery we haven’t seen much in which my guy would feel comfortable in going through with.
Especially living in Australia we don’t have many options for that kind of surgery.
But If you look at how far these surgeries have improved in such a short time, imagine how much better they will be in 5, 10, 15 years…and even stem cell research could help with all this eventually.
I don’t think you are being disrespectful, i can understand your fears for the surgery.
But if you were wanting to transition fully there would be a lot of things that could come before surgery to help with your self confidence.
I think it’s something you yourself really need to think about and decide, and maybe even talk to a doctor, or join some groups so you at least have some people to talk to about this. Killing yourself would be crazy, everyone has good things to bring to this world.
Be safe, and good luck x