I Love Him, but I Don't Want to Live Like This……….?
We’ve just had yet another argument over his use of porn, and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m going insane with so many conflicting thoughts and emotions inside my head: anger, betrayal, love, compassion, self-loathing, fear, misery… will I lose my mind first, or my relationship? Why am I not good enough for him? How do I get him to hear me? How can he keep betraying me and not caring?
I’ve tried to tell him so many times how I feel about it, hoping he might do something to change. How many arguments have we had about this? I’ve lost count. I’ve cried more tears over it than I have anything or anyone else in my lifetime. Each time, he is obviously upset over my tears, and each time he “promises” to change…but he doesn’t for very long.
I never thought I was that ugly, that I was undesirable, but I guess I must be – all he wants to look at is women who don’t look anything like me. He says he likes small chests, but that’s not what I see him looking at. He says he likes my figure, but the women he looks at don’t have figures like mine. he doesn’t want me. Not that he says that, but that’s the message I get loud and clear: I’m just useful when he can’t have porn. I’m boring, imperfect, not good enough. The women he sees in movies and pictures are all much more beautiful than me with their perfect bodies. They do things I detest. They’re horrid, vile people, and I hate them all…but they look and act so perfect. I used to think if I looked more like them, maybe he’d like me instead. But now I’m not so sure. I’ve tried the skimpy underwear, I’ve tried being more adventurous in bed, I’ve tried positions that would make a yoga instructor wince – but he still doesn’t want me. One night as I was trying to seduce him he actually said "I love you, you’re just not as sexy as my imagination." Maybe if I get a boob job and liposuction…but I’m scared to do that, because what if he still doesn’t want me? Then I’ll know it’s really “just me” that’s all wrong, that I really am just a worthless person in his eyes. He says he loves me, but how do I believe that?
He doesn’t have a problem getting aroused with me, it’s just finishing. He finds it tiresome, and thinks he has to "do all the work," no matter if he just lays there the whole time while I suck him, ride him, and use my hand to try and finish (I do that because I know that’s how he cums). I literally sucked him/ used my hand for about two hours, and had the light on and my hand in my p*ssy the whole time, trying to act like one of those sluts in his videos, trying to stimulate him enough. I was humiliated and felt like a complete whore, but I did it cause I thought he would like it. Then, nothing. Five minutes with porn, done.
When I confronted him it all got turned around and it seemed like I was the one with the problem. This always happens: I was snooping; it wasn’t as bad as it looked; I should remember that all guys need stuff like this and that most women are ok with it – it’s about giving him variety; making sure we don’t stagnate; a “non-affair” way of making sure that he gets enough physical release to not need an affair. He has a high libido; I don’t understand his needs. He needs the variety; the visual stimulation; the excitement. It’s not FAIR! Why do I end up feeling doubly bad after talking to him? The last time we fought over this, he didn’t make it six hours without using porn to get off.
I will not, I CAN not, take this any more.
How do I keep us going? How do I get him to see what he’s doing to us? I love him so much…but I don’t want to live like this.
On the one hand there’s this great guy who I fell in love with and loved more each day since then. I love him so much, I KNOW he’s a good person. I don’t want to lose that person. How can I not love and trust this man? He is a good man, I’m sure of it.
But on the other hand there’s this guy who is controlled by his body to the point where he regularly masturbates over pictures and movies of other people in explicit and demeaning situations – he doesn’t seem to want or even try to control his urges! He’ll use porn in preference to getting intimate with me…and he doesn’t see anything wrong with this! How can I love and trust this man? Is he addicted, is that why porn controls him like it does?
It seems he can’t wait for me to go out of the house, can’t wait for some time alone with his computer. He avoids family stuff because he’s “too tired” or “has a lot of work to do”…so I will be killing myself to look after our family, our house, our relationship and he will be using the time I’m spending on him and others to look at porn. We’ll make dates to have time together…but he’s usually too “tired and stressed”. But I know he’s been looking at porn all afternoon.
I know all this because now I’m this miserable, lonely, paranoid person, who checks his internet history every chance I get. I’m jealous, controlling, emotional, suspicious. I hate to leave him alone to go shopping
He must realize he has something to lose. It’s easy for him to get the "fix" at home. Get rid of the internet as you would alcohol or drugs if he was addicted to those. Stop feeling inadequate. Porn has nothing to do with you but everything to do with his addiction.Unfortunately,that doesn’t make it feel any better that he is turning himself on with the sight of other women.
Your husband is a lazy lover and selfish too. He’s so use to popping himself off imagining the skanks he watches are actually performing on him that he is now expecting you to do the same thing.
The ball is in your court. Eventually porn won’t be enough and he’s going to have to start having affairs.
Your only choice might be to kick him out until he kicks his habit.
If your life is so miserable, why don’t you leave him.
It might sound like a rather trite answer, but if your life is so bad with him, it seems like a very logical, if not easy solution.
Couldn’t you just say I found someone new and this is the justification I have created to leave my husband?
Sex orientation is part of a personality that can’t be changed. It is part of who he is. You have to accept him completely as he is, or find someone else. What you want is not possible, you can’t be happy if someone picks and chooses the parts of your psych they like and tell you not to show the parts they don’t like, and he can’t be happy if you do that to him.
try making a homemade dvd of yourself masturbating using all sorts of ( adult toys ) and give it to him and see how that works for him…might be what hes lookin for
This is too long for me to read. But I just watched a good movie with Kurt Cameron but I can’t remember what it’s called. It dealt with porn in marriage and betrayal, etc. It was good. The title is into the fire or something like that. You can ask at the video store.
As far as porn goes. It’s a problem with some guys. I know that some people think it’s normal behavior but it’s really not. Especially if it’s hurting you. Your right, it is a form of betrayal. Your husband is getting turned on by other women and it’s hurting you. End of story.
sorry cant help you .. but i can help him tell him to delete his history then you will not know which sites he has been on
to me it’s just porn its just like watching a film, and my boyfriend likes jessica alba and i look nothing like her, your making such a big deal out of nothing you have become a suffocating person and porn controls him like it does because your heart and body aren’t in the things you do with him, just cause you do it doesn’t mean it’ll turn him away from porn because it’s obvious you hate it and hate him for having different sexual desires than you
porn isn’t the problem you two are the problem
This is harsh, but you don’t have a healthy marriage at all. So if you are so unhappy (I can’t say that I blame you one bit) then why torture yourself above the torture you are already receiving by him? Sure you love him, you don’t want to be alone, you are scared of never finding someone else, you worry about the future and so on. Every person just about feels those same things when they face a divorce. Let me tell you from experience that there is a better life out there and all you have to do to get it is get a divorce. The rest comes easy after that. You will be lonely until time heals that or you meet someone else. You will have all sorts of strange feelings that time will take care of. But you will end up happier than ever asking yourself why you didn’t divorce sooner. That’s all I got.
I understand you well i was in the same situation as you and i know how hard it is you feel so unlove inconsequintial everything that comes being deppress. you think all the worst things that could happen it’s terrible feeling. i hope you will be able to deal with it. because up to now i’m still sufferring inside. it hurts me like crazy. he always says it a man thing that it is normal that i f i aske other peoplr they would think im crazy because it’s a normal guy thing.
After all you’ve said to him,and after all the tears…why do you still think "he doesn’t hear" you or"he’s not aware of the pain being inflicted upon you"? He knows how porn affects you.
The problem is: he doesn’t care more about you than he does about himself. The problem is: both of you are struggling over who will have control over his thought life, but you don’t seem to realize that he has ALL of the power over his mind.
Either get used to it or leave–it’s as simple as that. A man will not change unless he wants to change. He doesn’t want to change because he likes what he’s doing–even if it hurts you.
Well if you really dive deep into this problem you will see that his looking at porn is not the issue. It’s how you feel about yourself and your own insecurities.
You say he’s a goodman and that he loves you right?
The only issue is you get upset if he looks at other women or people performing a sex act on a video. You say how bad this makes you feel inside and that you have thought about altering yourself surgically.
So porn is not the issue, you should be happy you found someone with such a high sex drive.
The problem is you! You must learn to free yourself from yourself. Stop thinking about things so much and be free. Trust me, men may be pigs but we know when a woman hates herself on the inside and it can be a huge turn off. Looks are not everything in the sack. 9 times out of 10 it’s the woman confidence and freedom in bed that really gets a man off. Even if you had the big boobs and got the lipo suction and you were the hottest chick ever that won’t make you good in bed. That comes from your inner beauty and how you carry yourself.
Yeah he’s an addict.
The porn has nothing to do with you; don’t get down on yourself for it.
If you were were blonde with DD’s he’d be looking at brunets with AA’s.
If you were a spinner he’d be looking for curves, and if you’re curvy he’d be looking at spinners.
There is *nothing* you can do to yourself to change this so stop thinking it’s something wrong with you.
I think you should separate (and normally I don’t think that’s a wise course of action). You have to do something that knocks him out of his comfort zone. If you have kids and/or a house, you need to get a lawyer and file to have him removed from the house.
No house and no kids, then you can just pack your stuff and leave.
Another option is to take a day/half-day off work, come home and box up the computer and cancel the internet.
You have to have realistic expectation about ‘recovery’ though.
He is still going to masturbate, he is still going to want to get freaky, he is still going to have a very high sex drive, etc…
It seems to me that he’s reached a stage of insensitivity in his life when only visual images and self gratification can satisfy his urges. De-sensitized I guess would be the more apt term.
I wish that there was an easy solution for you but I don’t think that any road you chose to take will be a smooth one. I have to laugh at the twit to said ‘make a movie of yourself masturbating’. Yeah…right…..that solves everything doesn’t it? Especially since its visual imagery that is causing the problem. Or "This is too long to reas
d but I saw a movie…" Yep…thanks for that pearl of wisdom bonehead.
Short of altering your entire physical appearence through plastic surgery I’d say that you’ve done everything you could possibly think of to remedy this problem. however its clear the failure is not on your part. It also never ceases to amaze me the callousness of people to their spouses with remarks like "You’ll never be as sexy as my imagination". A backhanded comment and degrading as well if I ever heard one. Let alone any other exceptional attributes you may possess (such as intelligence, culinary skills and the like) have been tossed out the window as well.
So your options are these; you know you love him but as things look bleak and change is no where on the horizon, you can start to make plans to dissolve the marriage. Probably not the ideal choice but as no effort is being made and all promises to stop have been broken, you can plainly see this will continue. He’ll just keep doing so while you aren’t around.
You can stay and resign yourself to the fact this will keep going on. Again, not a real ideal option. You mention a third party. As to what this person can provide that your husband can’t might be your solution however if an affair is what you’re implying know that there are definite and unpleasant consequences that may result. If that is the route you chose, then there is an entirely different set of guidelines and parameters to take into consideration before even treading that path. Those I won’t go into here.
Thats pretty much it. You have some serious weighing in of pros and cons to do. This probably wasn’t much help but from the outside looking in its the best I could provide with what was presented. The best of luck to you no matter what you chose. I suspect that judging by the quality of your question, the sincerety and proper use of grammar you’ll make the best decision for you in the longrun. And survive just nicely no matter which way you chose to go.
you must like it! stay with him!